USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“No, you’re not the best little sister you could be, but you’re my little sister and that’s what matters,” he said softly, adjusting himself in the bed and putting his hair in a low ponytail to get it off of his face. Connor looked down at his hands and just started laughing, tears forming in his eyes. “God, I’m such a fucking failure. I can’t even kill myself right,” he said with a chuckle. Upon looking at the clock, the odds were that his father wouldn’t even be home from work yet, and who knew what his mother was doing, meaning that Zoe was here on her own free will. He just wanted to tell her everything, tell her how much she meant to him and that she was everything to him; tell her how he hated being mean to her but didn’t want to confuse her. Instead, his laughing just turned into silent tears streaming down his face.

_{with his hair pulled back, she could plainly see the deep bruise encircling her brother’s neck where the noose had dug into his skin. it was so dark… she couldn’t tear her gaze away for several seconds. ❝—- um… ❞ zoe grabbed one of the tiny boxes of tissues from his bedside table. a few heartbeats passed before she started dabbing the tears away from his cheeks. ❝—- they said you had a minor stroke, because the rope cut off your carotid artery for about a minute. you probably won’t have any lasting damage though, so… ❞ there was a curt little nod. she doubted that would really help, or that connor particularly cared about his health when he had just attempted to kill himself, but she was lost on what else to say.}

USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“Whatever. Maybe I can finally make you happy with something I do then,” he screamed before pushing her lightly, grabbing a rope and storming out of the house. He went to the old orchard and tossed back the pills before attempting to hand himself. However, the branch snapped shortly after he lost consciousness. The next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital bed, some of his hair matted to his forehead with sweat. He looked around, his heart dropping when he saw only his sister in the room. “I’m sorry I couldn’t even do this one thing for you,” he said softly. “I’m a shitty big brother, right.”

_{connor had been hospitalized enough times for her to learn the best position to curl into on the enormous reclining chairs with cracks in the plastic seats. normally she was forced to stay in the room, to listen to the faltering beeps that indicated her brother’s heart && try to ignore the scent of piss && blood && vomit while she buried her nose in a book. anything to take her as far away as possible from that cramped hospital room.}

_{there was no book this time. no parents guilting her into staying, no music blasting into her ears. just zoe, hugging her knees && staring at the white floor speckled with gray.}

_{the voice startled zoe out of what had obviously been deep thought. her stomach wrenched out of instinct, but she quickly reminded herself that he was too weak right now to do anything. connor looked pitiful all nestled into the too white sheets. ❝—- yeah… kinda. ❞ she forced a weak laugh as she unfolded from her seat && stood with several cracking joints. hands wrapped around the plastic guard rails of the hospital bed, her eyes trailing along the thin tubes that disappeared into his arm while she shrugged one shoulder. ❝—- but i guess i’m not the best little sister either. ❞}

USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“I’ll leave you alone as soon as you admit it. Come on, Zoe. You’re not so perfect. Let me hear you say you want me dead and I’ll leave you alone. Just say it. I know it, you know it, just admit it and I’ll be out of your hair. It’s not that hard. Just repeat after me: Connor, I want you to kill yourself,” he said calmly. If he just heard her say it, he would feel more confident in following through this time. He could do something to finally make his sister happy. Just for once before he left for good. Now, he didn’t know how exactly he was gonna do it or even where, he just knew it wouldn’t be in the house. He’d probably pop some of the pills his dealer gave him and if that didn’t work, just hang himself or slit his wrists, vertically instead of horizontally this time. Let more blood pour out and make it more difficult to stitch up just in case they found him before he was dead.

_{there was a long moment of silence as she contemplated just listening to him.}

_{it would be a good thing, she told herself, if he was gone. if her saying that she wanted him dead was the only thing holding him back, she should just say it && wait it out. but she couldn’t do it. her mouth even opened in an attempt to force the words out in the same way that she had bowed over the toilet with an open jaw in case she should succumb to the feeling of bile rising in her throat when sick. just like then, there was nothing. even after everything he had done, she couldn’t damn connor like that. each time she tried some happy childhood memory would pop up like a warning, reminding her that perhaps he had the capacity to be good again, && she would gag.}

_{curled in on herself with the threat of tears burning behind closed eyes, zoe shook her head. ❝—- i can’t. ❞}

USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“I’ll get away as soon as you admit that you want me dead. We both know you do, there’s no point in trying to hide it. Mom and dad aren’t here so they won’t think any differently of their perfect little girl,” he spoke, his voice shaking as he clenched his fist. Connor knew that it would sting to hear her say it out loud, but he needed her to verbally admit she wanted him dead. He was too far gone now, there was no helping him unless they finally wanted to get their heads out of their asses and get him the therapy and medical care that he needed. “You know it, I know it, why not just say it out loud? What the hell are you so afraid of, Zoe?” All he wanted was to just hear her say that. No matter how many times she would talk to her friends and say that she just wanted him to get through this, they both knew the truth. Last time Connor tried to take his own life by mixing sleeping pills and alcohol, the only time he saw his sister cry was when the doctor said he was going to be fine.

_{❝—- what kind of fucking question is that ? i’m afraid of you. ❞ there was a breath of a laugh, an attempt to find humor in her terror. it didn’t help – just made her stomach roll more viciously with anxiety. zoe felt like she was going to be sick if she didn’t get away soon.}

_{arms snaked around her waist, hugging herself tightly && digging fingers beneath her ribs to keep herself grounded. she just needed to breathe – breathe, && stay calm, && it would be over soon. ❝—- i just want you to leave me alone. that’s it. ❞ it wasn’t entirely false. death just seemed like the easiest route to peace. there was no relapse from death, no risk of triggering another violent outburst… she’d be safe. that was all she wanted : to be safe, to not have a brother that hated her. what better way was there to ensure that than to not have a brother at all ?}

USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“You’re right, you didn’t do shit to me! You didn’t do shit for me either! None of you did! You may not be the sole reason I’m like this, but you’re a damn big part of it! I want to get better, but even then you’d treat me like a ticking time bomb. I want to hear you admit it, admit that you want me dead! I know you do, I just want to hear you fucking say it! You’re not as above this as you think you are, you want me dead just as much as I want myself dead, so just say it,” he demanded, taking a step closer, basically trapping her between him and the wall. It hurt to see this happen, his old best friend now wanting him gone, while he still did long to be close to her, to be a good big brother. However, he knew she would never give him the chance so what was the point? What was the point of anything anymore? Connor couldn’t find any reason for trying anymore. It really did break his heart that his sister would rather him just die than see him get the help he needed.

_{she couldn’t breathe, her ears rang from connor’s screaming, && it was as if him closing in on her was all that existed. it was too much. god, if everyone could see her now – cowering against the wall like some cornered animal. she hated this.}

_{❝—- just get away from me. ❞ it was half a command, half a plea. she couldn’t say it, no matter how true it was. zoe just wanted to go hide in her room, though even it wasn’t much solace. she couldn’t count how many times her door had been replaced after her brother had broken it down. why wouldn’t he just die ? why did he have to torment her like this && make her life a living hell ? && why her – hadn’t their parents been more cruel ? she had tried to support him, but the burden had quickly become too heavy. so many questions she would never be given answers to.}

USER ⌜ʷ⁻ᵒ⁻ʳ⁻ᵈ⁻ˢ⁻⁻ᶠ⁻ᵃ⁻ᶦ⁻ˡ⌟

“God, you’re just like dad! You think everything I do has to be for attention! “Oh, he slit his wrists for attention,” “He took all those sleeping pills just to get attention!” I’m never gonna be anything but a black sheep, no matter what I do! I don’t even have to motivation to stay alive, how am I supposed to do a big, life changing turn-around?! I’m glad you don’t like me, when I take those Smiles I got, there’s a high chance I’m gonna die, you’d love being an only child! Mom and dad would love having me out of their lives! All any of you see me as is a fucking burden! Maybe if you treated me like an actual fucking person, we wouldn’t be in this mess,“ he screamed, standing over her. Connor missed the family dynamic he had had before the depression really hit, but as soon as that started, they grew farther apart until they were where they were now. His parents were still close to his sister, but he had distanced himself after finding out they didn’t believe him when he first asked for their help with his suicidal thoughts.

_{she had no idea what “ smiles ” were, && honestly didn’t care. maybe it made her an awful person, but she wanted him to die – at least then she could have a moment of peace without fear of him bursting in && trying to kill her. if she said such things aloud she’d never forgive herself, but she would gladly help force pills down his throat. if he didn’t succeed soon, zoe felt certain she would copy him, if only to get away from his reign of terror.}

_{❝—- how can you expect me to pity you ? ❞ she could feel her heart threatening to tear through her chest as connor moved closer. the venom was gone from her voice now. no, now it just hurt. ❝—- you are the worst thing in my life. you act like all of this is my fault – like i did something to make you suddenly turn psycho. but i didn’t. do you even realize that ? i didn’t do shit to you, connor. you just take it out on me because you know if you ever tried to jump on mom or dad like you do me they’d call the cops. ❞}